Let me start by saying I am not sharing this for any type of sympathy, or compliments, or to shame anyone. I’m sharing because I can’t get it off my mind and feel like it’s important.
Okay, so, dating and meeting people can be great, but it can also be terrifying and awful. It can make you really look at yourself in negative, horrible ways and question if you’re enough for the person you may have interest in.
If you know me, or have been following along here, you know that I am not always the most confident person, especially physically. I am working on it, and have come a pretty long way, but it is very much a work in progress.
Recently, I was chatting with someone on an online dating app and he said something to me that I can’t shake:
You’re pretty for a big girl
Uhhhh….. thank you? What? What the hell does that even mean?! Pretty for a big girl. He could have just said “hey, I think you’re pretty” and left it at that. Why did he have to add in “for a big girl”? (For real if anyone knows please tell me.)
I’m not the skinniest person, but I’m doing my best, and honestly who the f*ck cares how big your stomach or thighs are or how many chins you have anyway? I know people are attracted to different things, we all have preferences, myself included. But, if you think I’m pretty enough to match with me on an online dating app, why have to add that in?
I’ve honestly never considered myself a “big girl”, and by no means want to offended anyone. Regardless of size. I feel like women (and men) are constantly being told they are too fat or too skinny.
I YOLO, I eat carbs and drink beer. I workout the best I can. I can give excuses that due to health issues and medications I gained weight and have trouble losing it. But honestly, I’m over the excuses. Am I happy with myself? Personality? Yes. 100%. Physcially? No. Definitely not. Is anyone though? But my body is my body. It doesn’t define my worth. It doesnt gauge my intelligence, or how funny I am. It doesn’t dictate my personality. My compassion, my drive, my overall zest for life is not defined by the size of my pants. Will losing 5lbs make me funnier? Doubtful. Will I be happier? Maybe. Idk.
I work on myself physically for myself. Not to get a guy, not to make new friends. I do it for my own mental and physical health.
Dating sucks enough and we are hard enough on ourselves without having to hear stuff like that. I, personally, already am always in my head wondering “what if they don’t find me attractive?”, “what if they think my friends are prettier?”, “what if he thinks I’m too fat?”
Listen. I know I said all that doesn’t matter, and I really am trying to be more confident and own who I am. Key word: TRYING
This probably goes without saying, but, I didn’t go on a date with that guy. He could have meant it in a harmless way. But I don’t, and won’t, be with someone where I’m always wondering if I’m “enough”, or questioning and overthinking how they feel about me. (I have anxiety. I’m always in a state of overthinking and going to the worst case scenario. I want to be with someone who doesn’t cause added stress and anxiety in my life.)
- Confidence is hard and not a straight line.
- Try not let weird compliments bring you down.
- Drink the beer.
- Eat the pizza.
- Find balance.
- Dating sucks.
- Size doesn’t always matter.