If you know me, or have been following along, you know the past year and a half-ish has been a constant uphill battle. I’m talking uphill, barefoot in the snow to and from school, kind of battle. I’m not really sure who I pissed off, but the universe has been testing me. A lot.
Fibromyalgia, car accident, losing dad, shoulder injury, and so on. Most recently is my unexplained, rapid hair loss. (If you read my last post I quickly touched on this.) I assumed the hair loss was just stress since all of the blood work came back relatively normal. But since I’m too young and too vain to be bald, I went to the dermatologist and she had other ideas. She reassured me that I’m not crazy, and that I do have significant hair loss happening. Long story short, she saw some stuff on my scalp and other symptoms that just aren’t adding up. So, she ordered some more blood work, and took two biopsies from my scalp. Which, if you’re wondering, was just as fun as it sounds. I always thought it would be totally badass to have cool stitches and scars, especially on my head, but this isn’t exactly the story I was hoping for.
She mentioned it could be lupus. LUPUS?! What the f#ck. I was “shook” as the kids would say. Not at all what I was expecting. Not just stress. (Although this definitely adds to it!) It could also be hormonal, or just female pattern hair loss, or a number of other things. She mentioned that with the fibromyalgia, a lot of lupus symptoms could be masked. And, since I’ve had a few flare-ups recently, that’s her gut feeling. Within 2 weeks I should have the results and more of a plan of attack. Until then, I’ll be icing my stitches with my good friend, anxiety.
I’m not going to lie. That brought me down a little. I’m grateful that we are already starting some treatment of prescription shampoo and steroids while we wait for the results… but, come on. Have’t I had enough? Haven’t I battled enough? I’ve been grumpy. And exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. And in a bit of pain and discomfort.
As much shit as I’ve trudged through the past year and a half-ish, I need to remember that I’m still here. That I haven’t given up, and I’ve made it this far. Yes, I complain. Yes, it sucks. But, it also shows me what I’m capable of. I keep pushing, and keep fighting. I have to keep going. I’m not sure what would happen if I do stop and give up, but I don’t want to find out.
Throughout all of this I’ve found inner-strength I didn’t even know I had. Anytime I get down and feel lost, I need to remember how far I’ve come. Just another test to see how hard I can push myself. However, as hard as I am pushing myself, it’s also teaching me balance. To listen to my body. To rest. To (force myself to) do nothing sometimes. To go to bed at 8:30 pm. To try and re-discover yoga.
If you’re on the same hill, I’ll help push you up if you help me!
So, time to keep pushing forward. And, maybe do some wig and hat shopping.
Please feel free to browse through my blog for other posts, or check out some articles I have written for Thought Catalog here.