Weighing in

So, you may or may not know I’ve been on a recent journey to getting healthy. Mainly losing weight, and then whatever else comes along with that. Small things, like totally changing my relationship with food 😅.

It’s honestly been a weird ride. Weird that I’m sticking to it, weird that it’s working, and weird with the mental struggles that I’m seeing with it.

This may sound kinda crazy, but I feel like I’m losing part of my identity, and part of my security blanket, by losing weight.

I use it at a crutch. I use it with the self-deprecating humor I’ve come to rely on over the years. Honestly, I never really thought anything was wrong with the self deprecation, but now I’m discovering that maybe it isn’t the healthiest for my mental and emotional health. (Weird, right?) I always thought if I called myself out for how I thought others perceived me, than it would save me the hurt of hearing it from them.

“how I thought others perceived me”

There in itself is a major problem. Did anyone ever really see me the way I saw myself? Does it really matter how others see me if I can’t see myself in a real and healthy way?

I’ve always used my weight to keep a wall up, and to really avoid letting people know me… especially when it comes to dating. Before anyone says anything, I know that what I’m about to say is pretty f*ed up, not true, and I’m working on it. But, I always thought that I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because of the way I look. That because I don’t see myself as the prettiest girl in the room, or the skinniest, or the best dressed, that I’m not worthy of love.

Like I said, I know how f*ed up that is.

I still think that. I know, it’s not good. I’ve always been insecure and self-conscious, so it’s not something that will change overnight. But, I am working on it and slowing seeing changes in my thoughts and self-talk.

I’ve also been anxious that weight loss will and won’t make my mental health better. If it does improve my mental health, does that make me a vain, shallow person? If it doesn’t improve my mental health, then what will? I have this picture in my head that the healthier I get physically, than the healthier I will get mentally. What I’m also learning is that I need to put in the work mentally as much as I am physically. #balance?

I’m also working on seeing the physical changes that other people see in me. There are times that I look in the mirror in my now too big, baggy clothes, and I still see the same miserable, chunkier girl from 4 months ago. I don’t always see the hard work paying off. Don’t get me wrong, when I do a side-by-side of my face, I see it. How could I not?! The most insane thing to me is how my glasses look incredibly different on my face. But, when I look in the mirror or catch a glance of myself, I’m just not there yet. Body dysmorphia is a real thing.

I’m not saying any of this for validation or compliments. Because, I don’t know how to take a compliment, and I don’t need them to keep doing this. I’m doing it for me. But, I’m saying all of this more so because I feel that there may be just one other person out there in the world who feels crazy for feeling this way, and I want them to know that they aren’t alone.

Lastly, the comparison game is vicious. I never want anyone to compare their journey to mine. It’s hard not to compare, I get that. I compare myself to people all the damn time. And, it sucks, and is so, so defeating. We all need to celebrate each other, instead of question and compare.

So, wherever you are in your journey, whether it’s weight loss, mental health, etc., keep going. I’m proud of you.

-J

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