It’s been…. A while…. Since I’ve written. I got burnt out on life, and wasn’t feeling creative or expressive in this way.
A lot has happened. I’m back in therapy. Getting my anxiety and depression meds sorted out. (I’m doing BetterHelp. I know therapy is close to impossible for people to get into right now, and this has honestly been life changing for me.)
In therapy we started talking a lot about vulnerability. How it’s better to be vulnerable and scared than safe and lonely.
On the topic of being vulnerable: a major breakthrough I had, and I guess still have to a point, is a fear of intimacy. Not just physical, but also emotional. I’ve spent years building up brick walls. Those bricks are made of detachment, sarcasm, memes, and depression. Very gray, very black. Just like I joke that my heart is.
I’ve realized that certain pieces of life are causing me to put back up those bricks that I’ve worked the past year or so to chip away at. Why is it easier to be cold, cynical, and alone than to be vulnerable, communicate and feel accepted?
If you have the answer PLEASE let me know.
This is with all relationships. Family, friends, romantic. I found that I am kind of an asshole. But, hey, that’s part of my charm, right? If you’re reading this and part of my life, I am publicly apologizing. And thanking you. For dealing with who I was, and who I am.
I’m working every minute of every day to allow myself to continue to be vulnerable. With those around me, and most importantly with myself.
Using my time and energy with intention. Actively listening and hearing when others are speaking. Breaking out of my comfort zone to have better and more effective communication. Pushing myself to overcome the anxious and depressive thoughts and to see the glass has half full. To see the joy and positivity in life. To genuinely feel happy.
This isn’t my normal writing, but, again. Vulnerability. I made a promise to myself (okay, mainly to my therapist) to get back to something that sets my soul on fire. And dusting off this blog was the first thing that came to mind. (Aside from eating pizza and donuts… which also really sets my soul on fire)
So, if you made it this far. Thank you.